Going over my notes from a month ago, I see how my thinking has evolved — but continues to clarify — about how to channel this endlessly creative mind in such a way that becomes expressible, useful, helpful. One has a deep desire to be of usefulness. One has far too many ideas, and if you are a multipotentialite like me, it might seem hard to find the through-line between all of your interests.
And a part of me, who loves structure, is enamored with the idea that somehow I will become able to give some ultimate, beautiful order to these ideas, with a perfect organization that is beautifully designed to appeal to the right audience, make the right things happen, and “build a name for myself,” or “build a brand”.
And while I would never be so cynical as to expect that to be an artificial thing, there was always the hope that I could contain the bursts of energy within a structure, and that structure would help people understand what-the-heck-it-is-I-do.
what has become evident over time is that this glowing creative ball that I have access to (much better to call it that than pretend it is all mine) does not countenance such constructions happily, permanently. He loves to craft structures within the glowing ball — only to let them dissolve again, into the beautiful soup of his own next creation. The ability to structure is a facet of the glowing ball, and not the other way around.
It makes one very nervous. “What do you do?” people ask. I stammer. I pause. I wait for a good answer to come… “quick,” I think, “think of something!” And I will conjure something that sounds credible.
The glowing ball is an ocean of luminous water, and as intention shines upon it, crystals rapidly form — taking the shape of an answer. “I am an intentional co-creator of prosperous life solutions”… “I am a fashioner and guide for deeply prosperous flows of mutual prosperity enhancement.” I don’t know…
A glowing ball flows through this channel, in this particular set of interesting ways. (Can I say that?…) Crystals form, rise up like solid structures, and then dissipate to form new structures. We love the structures, be we know now that they are just a thing that this glowing energy loves to do.
Give it a problem, show it someone in pain, and the crystals will rapidly form around that person, giving them a structure that will enhance their ability to make sense of the world in some way that is useful, helpful to them.
But describe the ball itself? Ahhhhh!
It (er, I mean I…) definitely have interests, fascinations, passions in this lifetime. But I am becoming less and less sure that it makes sense to frame it in one way that makes sense to one “set of people” — unless that set of people is “those who resinate with the energy of this glowing ball.”
As the layers have stripped away and stripped away, I have more and more faith that whatever this energy is, it is important, and that the right people will resonate with it. But when people ask what it is, I fumble. “It’s this — feel it.” Maybe in 200 years, we will be able to give that answer, or maybe I should just say that now.
Ask me to describe anything, and something interesting and new will probably arise out of the glowing ball of light. But ask it to describe itself, and it is a mirage, taking whatever form you want.
I guess that is probably a pretty good sign, actually. But it is a bit unusual.
I had a dream the other night where I was naked — but it was nothing. I was naked like Adam. Before shame; I was just myself, not clothed. In the dream, my father was about to see me and I thought, “maybe I should at least put on some article of clothing.” I had not thought until now about the Father in the story, and the idea of having to become something, and how this is exactly what I am describing here. Do I have to become something for people, so they recognize who I am, and can make sense of it, and have a thing to do with it, so we can all play a game together?
It's all interesting.
And yet, the ball of light still wants to tell you: I am here for you. It may not know how to answer the question “who are you” in a way that is particularly satisfying to the mind, but if you want to make the world better — still, it will take shape and form in a way that will help and make that happen. We will all make that happen. It promises you that, somehow. It wants you to know that we are all going to make that happen.